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Saturday, June 03, 2006

confusion.

Brownout earlier kaya kani-kanina lang ako nakapag-OL. Anyway, I am in the state of confusion right now. Before I tell that, just want to share that I told my dad about Karlo earlier. So uhm. Medyo legal na kami. Haay. Naiyak pa ako kay dad nun. I really don't know why. Up to now I still feel awkward. I don't know if it was right to tell him about that.

Anyhow, I'm confused nga right now. Since my dad and I talked about Karlo earlier, I told him that he was a suitor (pinagpipilitan kasi niya na BF ko na si Karlo eh). He told me some advices. While I was trying to understand his point, I got really confused, SOOO confused. I was so sure na that I will answer Karlo but my dad had a point, sabi niya kung hindi magiging kami at least walang pagbebreak-up na mangyayari. Gusto ko sana ganun, wala ng commitment. Pero still, paano kung nag-iba yung treatment sa akin ni Karlo? Pero pagsinagot ko naman siya tapos magbebreak din kami edi parang sinaktan lang namin isa't-isa. HAAY. Gusto ko talaga parang kami pero walang commitment. Pero paano kung ayaw ni Karlo ng ganun? I'm confused right now because I'm scared, I'm scared of the things that MIGHT happen.

I cried nanaman earlier. Ang baba nanaman ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. I think I am so vulnerable. Why do I feel this way? Maybe because I really don't cry that much. Yeeeah, believe me, I really don't cry that much before this whole migrating thing came in. I wasn't numb naman pero I can really handle my feelings unlike now, pagsad ako, iyak agad. I think I'm depressed 'cause I am really not like this before. Ang iiyakan ko lang si Zian tapos over the phone pa yun saka pagwala parents ko. Ngayon I'll cry kahit saan, kahit sino kasama.

Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, sabi sa akin ni Ms. Twinkle I think like a mature person (positively) and sabi rin yun ng iba kong relatives. I agree din kasi now I can understand things clearer pero there's still something inside of me na negative yung feeling sa mga bagay-bagay. Okay, labo ko. Pero nahihirapan talaga ako kaya ang bilis ko bumigay, kaya hindi ko na mapigilan yung nararamdaman ko pero I understand things naman. HAAY. Buhol-buhol na yung veins ko sa mind kakaisip ng mga bagay-bagay. I think yun yung reason kung bakit ako nagiging-insomniac eh. Kasiiii eh, my head doesn't run out of thoughts eh. Not so good thoughts, by the way.

Sana naman next time magkaroon ako ng good thoughts na pwedeng maishare dito kasi puro madadrama eh. HAAAAAY.

Sige na, tama na. Tutulog na ako. Wish ko lang makatulog ako.

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2:16 AM
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