IMAGE IS LOADING, PLS BE PATIENT.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Dreamer's sickness

Here comes my sickness again.

Wait, before I continue, I just want to share that I don't have a crush on Sam anymore. I realized that I just want to be his friend (OF COURSE) and I don't need to have a crush on him for me to be his friend. I am such a deep thinker. Pati mga bagay na ganon napagiisipan ko. Saka najojologsan ako sa sarili ko. I act like a fanatic. YAK.

So anyway, I saw someone's friendster earlier. We are not friends. Pinakita lang siya sa akin ni Camla. I find her pretty, a bit gothic, and cool. There are also other gothic people I know and I admire them.

I know people who are girly, but not maarte. They're cool. I admire them.

There are people who has proved themselves to me. They are good at something and I admire them.

When I admire people, I want to be like them. But somehow, I don't. 'Cause I want to be original, I want to be good at something in my own ways.

The problem is, I always think I am not good at anything. I may be doing some things but I think I am not good at doing those. I want to find where I am really good at. It may sound awkward and wrong, but I want people to admire me the way I admire others. Haha.

Sometimes I am so scared to do things. I'm scared that people might say something not true about myself. I'm scared that people might judge me. I am scared to hear nasty comments from others. I need to be confident. The question is, how?

I try to find my confidence in other people whom I admire so that I can be inspired. But it turns out that I feel that I am just me, they're different, I don't possess the qualities that they have, and I can't be like that in the future.

You might question "why is she thinking like that?". I think it's because I dream big and I am really sensitive to those stuffs.



Haaay. I feel I am just an ordinary person. I WANT to be extra-ordinary, talented, AMAZING. Hahaha. I want people to admire me, I want to do things without hurting others' feelings, I want to make people happy, I want to be the best friend of everyone, I want to be a perfect daughter, I want to be a perfect relative, I want to be a good and perfect disciple of Christ, I want to be PERFECT. Yah, that's what I want to be. I am definitely a dreamer.

(Medyo nadala na ako at nawala na sa topic. Sorry.)

Anyway, here's my other sickness. Since we're going to migrate, I feel that I will not be able to pursue my dreams. I feel that there's nothing for me in NZ and in other countries. I feel that I will only be happy here in Philippines. I can't imagine living my life there. It's so hard for me to accept it. I guess I loved Philippines and everything here so much that I'm having a hard time detaching myself from it.

Oooh maan. "Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand". Love that quote. Bagay na bagay sa akin.

Sige na. I'll sleep na. Nilabas ko lang 'to kasi hindi ako makatulog. Late nanaman ako makakatulog. Pano na yung changes ko?

Goodnight everyone. Love y'all! Smiiile.

Special mention lang, thanks to Camla sa advices niya sakin kanina.

Add colours to your life!!
12:07 AM
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